


The Second Coming

by AuroraDefae



Series: "We are literally a family of superheroes. A superfamily.” [4]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, M/M, Mentions/discussions of abuse, PTSD, Violence, more specific warnings at the start of the chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7381189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraDefae/pseuds/AuroraDefae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They've been through a lot. They've died or almost died, fought alien armies more than once, jumped through time- disaster always seems pending, but they have to form a strong base before they can take on the world. Because something, more chaos- definitely- is coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starspangledsprocket](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starspangledsprocket/gifts).



> I didn't know what to name this, but I've always liked Yeat's poetry, and with all that is going to happen, seems accurate/appropriate.
> 
> Eve's writing (the person I gifted this to) makes me cry and she makes me cry in general.
> 
> Wow, okay, start at Out of the ice or you'll be confused.

It took Tony a while to realize he wasn’t warm because Steve was laying next to him, rather he was swaddled in layers of blankets, and the dim, distant beeping sped up slightly as he slowly dug his head out from the pillows and blankets, steeling himself to open them.

 

Everything was still black.

 

Nameless emotions, a mix of fear, anger, loss- bubbled up from his stomach, and he fisted his hand in the blankets, choking out a sob before realizing how broken he felt, and it was all _so goddamn numb_ and the tears stopped before they could fall out of his eyes and give him some _release_.

 

Steve was out there with twenty-five stitches in his head, fighting and taking on all of Hydra because of him, if Steve was to even stop there. 

 

Steve...Steve loved him though, he had said that over and over since he had awakened on the helicarrier- he would, he would come back, he would-

  
  


“Clint, it would appear Sir is awake.”

 

Jarvis’ words sank slowly through Tony’s mind, and he quickly burrowed back into the blankets to hide. Why had they even given him so many, to mimic Steve’s warmth? Tony laughed hollowly. 

  
  


“Hey, Tony, can you hear me? Please come out.” 

 

“What’s the use? He’s gone.”

 

“Okay, I figured you were not up to deal with Thor and his boundless optimism, but I am perfectly happy telling him he can come up here.” 

 

Tony stuck his head out to try to glare at Clint. 

 

“That’s not very intimidati-”

 

“Why aren’t you guys out trying to find them?”

 

“We had retasked every Stark satellite until Pepper yelled at us to give some back, some technicians nearly had heart attacks apparently down in SI-”

 

“I don’t give a goddamn fuck about SI, he’s out there because of me, if he-” Tony’s voice broke and a hesitant hand cupped his shoulder.

 

“We’ll find them, Tony, we need to.”

 

“Try hard-”

 

“Goddamit, Tony, we’re trying as hard as we can, don’t you think I want to know she’s safe?” Clint snapped, looking around for something to break before collapsing onto the bed by Tony’s. 

 

“Sorry.”

 

“No, I shouldn’t have snapped. I’ve just been remembering the base I saved her from, and how she was before SHIELD psych, if she’s like that again, it’s been a day already- and...and I wish I was out there, but we got SHIELD’s attention when we tried to repurpose some of theirs, and they’re keeping a close eye on the tower now, so we can’t go out there without Fury intercepting us and-”

 

“Okay, you love her, you can stop rambling now.” 

 

“I do not. She’s a teammate.” Clint protested, crossing his arms. 

 

“Sure, and Steve is just a teammate.” 

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Wait, the day you bought the xbox, you-”

 

“Oh my god, shut up.”

 

“She’d probably say yes.”

 

Tony heard Clint sigh impatiently. “What do I have to do to make you not tell everyone you run into?” 

 

“I’m not going to tell, yet.” 

 

“You better-”

  
  
  


“Excuse me, Clint, but we’ve got a possible hit on facial recognition-” Jarvis interrupted, and Clint shot onto his feet. 

 

“Where?” 

 

“-However, I can only guarantee a 34% accuracy-”

 

“Good enough for me. Tell Thor to meet me on the ground floor so we can maybe sneak out.” 

 

“Very well.” 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing. Written to 8tracks playlists. I have a lot of collections [here](http://8tracks.com/auroradefae)

“Clint, Commander Hill is contacting me to pass along a mission that is urgent and SHIELD requests that the Avengers assemble. Should I page her through or explain the situation?”

 

He ignored Jarvis, turning onto his stomach, trying to go back to sleep. 

 

“It is Hydra, there’s a 47% chance the mission may help find Natasha or the Captain, based on the call-in of Steve’s shield being found in the area-”

 

Clint grumbled darkly to himself before sitting up, wrapping his covers around him. “I asked you not to say her name, Jarvis. I’m now just here so I’m not homeless.”

 

“The Fantastic Four are unavailable. Commander Hill says SHIELD needs all the help-”

 

“I’m only going to get out of this bed for food or if they actually ever return. Now, I am sleeping-”

 

“You’ve sleep most of the time since your attempted search mission five days ago, it would do your health good to be active.”

 

“Is the world going to end if I don’t go?” 

  
  


Jarvis paused before replying. 

 

“Bruce is likewise unwilling, I will tell the Commander you are all unavailable. But you should get out of bed-”

 

“Jarvis, I’m fine.”

 

-x-

 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have come.” 

 

“So you do want to leave Latvia?” Natasha spun to face Steve, sniffing tiredly and dragging the back of her partily gloved hand across her nose before plodding towards the tabloid he was holding out. Steve’s hand was shaking, and she reached forward to steady the page, sighing at the siting of Tony at his Malibu home, and the apparent absence of his ‘boyfriend.’ A short addition to the story snidely noted the lack of Avengers activity at SHIELD strikes.

  
  
  


“Tas nav bibliotēka,  klaidoņi .” (This is not a library, vagrants.)

 

Natasha gave the new stand owner a glare, and he paused out of arm's reach, puffing up. 

 

“Dodiet mums pārtraukuma, paraut.” (Give us a break, jerk.)

 

“Ko tu mani sauc?” (What did you call me?)

 

“Ak, apklusti.” (Oh, shut up.)

 

“Es zvanīt policijai-” (I’ll call the police-)

 

Natasha imitated him before gently taking the tabloid out of Steve’s hand, putting it back on its stack, grabbing Steve’s elbow and dragging him away. 

 

“According to that tabloid, I might not have anything to return to.” Steve shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his holey, dumpster-dive jeans, shivering in his thin coat as his breath fogged in front of him. 

 

“Oh, come on, Steve.”

 

“You just want to go back to-”

 

“And you want to go back to Tony, so what the hell are we doing in fucking Latvia, in December?”

 

“Making Hydra pay.”

 

“For having poor architectural design?”

 

“This was your idea.” 

 

Natasha stopped, giving Steve an incredulous look before shoving him into the snow piled by the side of the road, sniffing angrily as her nose continued to run. Steve stayed down, ignoring the trashcan he had knocked over, trying to paw his too-small jacket over his bare hands. Natasha glared at the crowd gathering to gawk, and they slowly backed away. 

 

They exchanged glares until Natasha sighed, running her hands down her face.

 

“Steve, neither of us has slept in at least a week, we had all our fucking supplies stolen, I have a fucking cold, all my goddamn leads are dead, and yes, I want to see him, so can we please-”

 

“I’m not keeping you here.” 

 

“Yes you are. I’ve had to save your stupid fucking ass five times already-”

 

“Okay, fine, but only because my butt is now freaking soaked, and possibly frozen.” 

  
“Really? I could have shoved you into the snow two weeks ago when I got this cold and we could’ve left?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Tony thinks Steve is dead, everyone is pretty sure he's dead. seriously, proceed with caution. 
> 
> And I don't know how my mental state is because it keeps fluctuating,

Tony knew what was in the box, he had heard Pepper on the phone with Fury, in hushed tones, discussing Steve’s shield, laying out all the possibilities. 

 

Tony knew Steve was probably dead; the man protected the damn shield like nothing else and would not have left it abandoned by the Russian border, especially in land supposedly infested with Hydra bases. 

 

Tony knew Steve had been some kind of fever-dream ever since the day Natasha had locked them in the room. Some kind of lesson to chase him back to drink and drugs. To prove he didn't deserve good things.

  
  


Tony knew that although SHIELD had tried to keep the shield quiet, someone had talked and news agencies were catching onto the story; the news was filled with tabloid speculations on what Tony was doing. Pepper’s statement went nowhere, gaining no traction in the news vacuum. 

 

Tony knew the cliff out the back door was about fifty feet. 

 

The box kept moving around as Pepper tried to gently prod him into acceptance. Ignoring the therapist who came on her insistence was easy. 

 

Tony knew he had gotten his eyesight back only to see that box.

 

-x-

 

His thoughts weren't coherently connecting, drifting between shallow sensory memories of _Steve’s body next to his, chapped lips cupping his like they were holy, Steve’s hand slipping onto his waist, shivers chasing up his spine as he fell into the touch, the flutter in his chest whenever Steve spoke his name-_

 

Tony had had Jarvis playing recordings of Steve in a nonstop loop until it became too much. That was when he had found the whiskey. 

 

And now he was quite drunk, images and sensations flickering nonsensically through his mind.

 

_ Strong hands finding his when he started to panic, grounding him, strong arms keeping him safe.  _

 

_ Steve’s kisses tasted like the ocean, alive and free, for days after the Atuma mission.  _

 

_ And god, Steve’s eyes. No one had ever looked at him like that- _

 

-x-

 

The box was discrete cardboard, and came easily under the kitchen knife as he clumsily and slowly wielded it. 

 

Steve’s shield dropped out of the box, star down, the vibranium echoing melodically as it rattled to a stop. 

 

-x-

 

Peggy had once given him a cheap metal alloy copy of Caps shield, siting something along the fact that he, too, could be a hero. Tony had just run at her, where she was kneeling down, wrapping his short arms around her. And she had comforted him while making the soft clicking noise upon realization that indicated she knew what Howard had done without Tony needing to speak. 

 

The shield went into the back of his closet, lest his dad see it.

 

Days later, he was locked in his closet. He had opened a secret compartment he had made, taking out a jar of preserved, sliced plums, digging in as his stomach rumbled. With sticky fingers, he put up the barrier to prevent the tiny light from shining under the door, looking around as he turned it on. 

 

The star on the shield shone back at him, and he reached for it, setting it down star-first before crawling into the bowl, curling up. 

 

-x-

 

Tony didn't fit in the shield anymore. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired. I have a job interview tonight that I have no energy besides nervous energy for. God, it's in two hours. Where did the day go?

“Yes, I think it's best you come, bring- yes -no, he isn't listening to me -yes. He is quite drunk and his emotions are changing faster than- yes, thank you.”

 

Pepper sighed, ending the call before turning back around to the island in the kitchen, tossing her jacket by Steve’s shield, trying to tuck stray hairs into her bun before giving up and restarting the bun. 

 

The lights dimmed before turning off, and she spun to face Tony as he shuffled in, half-empty vodka in his hand. 

 

“-o ‘ere’s -ha -eild.”

 

Pepper slid the shield away from him as he tried to grab it with her elbow, finishing her bun before shoving a glass of water at him. 

 

“-ay canni-”

 

“Stop. Right. There.” She waited for him to stop babbling, continuing. “We need to go to the helicarrier to- to turn it in, and I spent twenty minutes cleaning it.”

 

Tony glared darkly at her, taking the glass before looking her in the eyes, dumping the water out and turning back out to leave. 

 

“God, what are we going to do, Jarvis? I haven't seen him like this-this bad-”

 

“Whatever to prevent him from injuring others or himself, is the best to be hoped for, I believe.”

 

-x-

 

“Is it safe to come in?” Clint snuck a look around the door, and Pepper nodded tiredly, smiling wanly back at Bruce and Thor as they all entered.

 

“I got him to semi shower and put on newer clothes, he's sulking over a vodka in an empty room. Bruce, can you-”

 

“-Get the shield just in case Tony tries to start a fight so I don't hulk out because I'm tired and don't have a good emotional grip? Yeah.”

 

“Thank you, Bruce. Clint, Thor, he’s this way.” Pepper nodded towards the room, biting her lips. 

  
  


“Have you told him-”

 

Pepper glanced back at Clint, shaking her head. 

 

“-he doesn’t know that- god.”

 

“I had no idea how to tell him. He’s been- really bad. I’m not sure he’ll believe it, he’s convinced Steve is dead- even when we get to the helicarrier.”

 

“I was hoping you had. Thor, you get that job.” Clint joked flatly as they reached a door, Pepper quietly opening it. 

 

-x-

 

“Why canno leave me alone?” Tony tried to shove Thor away, falling over and spilling vodka on himself. 

  
  


“Jesus.” Clint whispered, walking hesitantly over to Tony, taking the now-empty bottle from him. 

 

“Anthony, we are- you-” Thor stumbled, looking at Clint. 

 

“Thor, I think you’re going to have to pick him up. We have towels on the Avenjet if he throws up.”

 

“Very well, Clinton. Apologies, Anthony.”

 

-x-

 

“If I hear him throw up one more time-” Clint started, groaning frustratedly as Tony threw up again, rubbing his head as a headache developed. 

 

“Thank you all, for- looking after him, even when he’s like this.” Pepper announced, nervously pacing back and forth on the main deck of the Avenjet. 

 

“It is but nothing, Ms. Potts. He is our friend.” Thor nodded at her.

 

“What he said. I’ve seen plenty of rock-bottoms, I was in a circus of crime.”

 

-x-

 

Tony was ghostly pale, puffy from tears and sweaty by the time Clint went to check on him as they reached the helicarrier. 

 

“I can’t do this.” Tony kept his head down as the lights turned on, and Clint squatted in front of him, holding out a pair of sunglasses, which Tony took.

  
“Yes, you can. Come on.” Clint tried to smile encouragingly as Tony grabbed his shoulder to steady him as they walked out of the Avenjet’s bathroom and out into the hangar where the others were waiting. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still feel like I can't feel, but this is helping. 
> 
> All the tw associated with Tony, plus I felt this was better in caps. If you need me to change that, let me know. I say the S word, it was a bit hard. I'm trying to fight it too.

“I’m nervous.” Steve sat up, addressing the large eagle on the supersoldier medbay wall across from him, and he heard Natasha inhale deeply as she turned onto her side to face him.

 

“What do you think is going to happen?”

 

“That I’ll lose him, he’ll never forgive me- I don’t know-”

 

“Steve, what you did- we did- was inexcusable and rash-” Natasha stopped, a faint cough coming, “but from the moment you two met, you were inevitable.”

 

Steve laughed, picking at the knife wound on his arm. 

 

“Yes, he will be hurt for months, maybe even years- but- god, Steve. I’ve been alive for almost ninety years, and I’ve never seen someone love you like he does.” 

 

“I don’t want to lose him.” Steve laid back, burying his face in his pillow. 

 

“Steve-”

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

“Get your ass up, you teenager, they’ll be here soon.”

 

Steve stuck a one-eyed glare at her, and she crossed her arms, returning the glare until he shut his eye briefly before muttering something under his breath as he sat back up. 

 

“You’ve already convinced yourself he’s not going to forgive you so you’re trying to act tough- Steve-”

  
  


  
Clint stuck his head around the door, Steve and Natasha freezing before Natasha sighed, nodding, and he burst in, catching the door before it banged the wall. 

 

“Hey Steve. Nat, are you okay? I saw the medical report-” Clint rushed to her bed, stopping when she rolled her eyes. 

 

“I’m fine, Clint. And don’t come closer because I’ve got-”

 

“-the flu, yes, I know. I don’t care. Do you want a hug?”

 

“You don’t know what I did, how I relapsed-”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“You don’t know-” Natasha cut off as Clint hesitantly walked towards her, wrapping her in a hug, which she slowly melted into as Clint pet her hair.

 

“It’s going to be okay.”

  
  
  


“How do you two do it?” Steve asked, and Clint felt Natasha smile through her tears from where her face was buried in his shoulder.

  
  


“CAPTAIN-” Steve turned quickly to the door as he heard Tony scream. 

 

“Tony, no, you do not throw things, give me tha- Thor, some-” 

 

Tony appeared briefly in the doorway, pad held tightly in one of his hands, disappearing as Thor bodily picked him up by the collar of his shirt, Tony struggling as Pepper grabbed the pad before nodding at Thor. 

 

“CAPTAIN-” Tony stormed in, beelining to Steve, who tried to hold his tears back as he looked at Tony. 

_ God, Tony.  _

 

_ Tony.  _

 

_ Tony. _

 

“- HOW COULD YOU DO THAT- I THOUGHT YOU WERE-” Tony’s voice broke as he stopped a couple feet from Steve’s bed, hands curled into fists, eyes blurry with tears he was trying to hold back. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE-”

 

“ANTHONY EDWARD STARK, I KNOW YOU’RE ANGRY BUT CAN YOU NOT YELL?” Pepper screamed from the doorway, Bruce behind her holding his ears, stopping Tony cold, and Tony took a shaky breath, hands still fisted. 

 

“Ste- Capt- I thought you were dead, how could you tell me you loved me and then-”

 

“I’m so-” Steve tried. 

 

“You- please don’t speak- I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR A MONTH, SUICIDAL IN-" Steve felt his heart drop as his world stopped. _Tony._ "THIS IS WHY I NEVER LET PEOPLE IN-” Tony broke, trembling, shuffling forward to steady himself against Steve’s bed as he sobbed in gasps.

 

Steve reached forward, touching Tony’s shoulder lightly.

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME.” Tony shoved Steve’s hand off, trying to catch his breath.

  
Steve bit his lip, looking back to find his IV tower, pulling it as he moved to lay down in front of where Tony was kneeling, head buried in the covers as he cried. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self-harm mention. 
> 
> someone please love me like these two love each other please  
> I love her, the girl I've been saying I love this whole series. I love her so much and it's been a year and it' only growing stronger

Tony wasn’t crying anymore, and his grip on the bedsheets as he cried into them had loosened in tiredness. Steve couldn’t find the strength to control whether he cried or not; Tony’s words kept replaying in his head, waves of shock, horror, and loss washing through him. 

 

Clint had pulled curtains so they had some privacy as the others greeted Natasha before everyone but Clint left, he and Natasha making quiet conversation. 

 

Steve wanted to reach out and touch Tony to make sure he was real, that he was alive, because _god_ -

 

It took a lot of strength to not reach out to touch Tony. 

 

-x-

 

It felt like years before Tony slowly looked up, eyes red, into Steve’s eyes. 

 

“Steve?” Tony’s voice was near unintelligible, but Steve understood, reaching to take Tony’s hand, pausing for Tony to nod permission, putting the hand on his heart. 

 

“I’m alive, baby.”   _And so are you._ Steve could feel Tony’s pulse under his fingers as he held Tony’s hand to his chest. _Each jump an I’m alive, I’m alive-_

 

Tony bit his lips, tears forming in his eyes again as he stared at Steve, as if breaking eye contact would kill him again and he’d be gone.

 

Steve broke eye contact as another wave washed through him, the feeling more raw as Tony’s outburst replayed, and Steve realized he might have to check for scars and _he couldn’t-_

 

A small gasp brought him back as he realized he was squeezing Tony’s wrist, and he dropped it, clumsily dragging his hand around his eyes as tears washed down. 

  
  


“Why did you leave me?” Tony’s voice was small, but still broke deep into Steve’s chest, and Steve grabbed Tony’s hand, lacing their fingers together. 

 

“I-” Steve started, swallowing the hot mess of tears in his throat before looking Tony in the eyes. “-I can’t- I don’t know how to handle grief- and your eyes were dead, Tony, I wanted to ruin those who had- you’re so beautiful Tony, and seeing you like that broke me. I know it’s inexcusable, but I just, god-”

 

“I needed you.”

 

“I know. I swear to never leave your side again, for better or for worse, sickness, health, if you’ll have me.”

  
  
  


“Are you two getting married over there or something?” Clint called, Steve distinctly hearing Natasha’s shoulder slap and his quiet _ow_.

  
  
  


“You promise?”

 

“I promise. I love you more than anything, Tony.” 

 

“I- I love you too, Steve. You promise?” 

 

Steve felt himself crumble in a mixture of despair and joy, and he grabbed Tony, wrapping him in an awkward one-armed hug, grabbing a fistful of Tony’s shirt in his hand as he kissed his shoulder.

  
“I promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Tony didn't eat much those two-ish weeks that Steve was 'dead.' 
> 
> Same, Bruce.

Steve could feel Tony’s muscles twitching from exhaustion, and he pulled back, Tony unwillingly loosening his grip on him. Tony’s face was warm from their hug, and Steve carefully traced the shadows under Tony’s eyes, taking in how gaunt his face was. 

 

“When did you eat last?”

  
  


Tony’s face dropped, and he broke their eye contact, Steve making sure his hand still cupped Tony’s jaw. 

 

“Stomach’s been too upset  to really eat since- since we found your shield.”

 

“Baby, that was-”

 

“I thought you were dead.”

 

Steve felt a rush of protectiveness rush through him, underscored by guilt, that he had done _this_ \- the _most amazing person_ , he had hurt the person he _loved_ \- and Tony was avoiding his eyes and Steve wanted to wrap Tony in a hug so that nothing would _ever_ hurt him again. 

 

God, he _loved_ Tony. 

 

_He loved him_. 

 

He loved him with every fiber-

 

And he had _hurt_ him. 

 

Steve drew his hand back from Tony’s face, looking down as Tony gave him an expression beyond words, and Steve fought down the chaos bubbling in his throat. 

 

_ He needed to help him, feed him, get him back to the man he had grown into, even if it was without him. Steve needed to protect him. _

 

Tony was still staring at him. 

  
  


“I’m alive and you need to eat, so move over, you are getting food.”

  
  


“Steve, two things. One, you’d need a wheelchair or a walker, and two, you’re in a hospital gown.” Natasha called from the other side of the curtain as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, and Steve grumbled. 

 

“Clint, can you please find a wheelchair or a walker?” Steve called back, and the curtain swished open as Clint stuck his head in. 

 

“I can take him to the cafeteria, old man, you need to rest. Can you stand, Tony?”

 

Tony numbly nodded, standing up shakily, bracing himself against Steve’s bed as he took unsteady steps. Steve grabbed Tony’s wrist, looking at Clint. 

 

“I need to physically see him eat. I can’t just lay here.” 

 

Tony glanced between the two of them, and Clint sighed. 

 

“Okay, fine, I’ll find a wheelchair.” Clint relented, leaving the curtain open, walking out of sight, a light shadow retreating to Natasha’s bed. “Nat, do you want one too? I mean, are you hungry?” 

 

“I’m go- actually, yes, but I want a snuggie if I’m to be in public in a hospital gown. Maybe even a hat and sunglasses.”

 

“Two wheelchairs, a disguise and a snuggie coming right up. And Tony-” Clint stuck his head back in- “please sit down, you look like you’re about to fall over.”

 

-x-

 

Bruce and Thor were waiting outside, Bruce sitting down against the wall, asleep, Steve’s shield propped on his feet, Thor watching him from the opposite side of the hallway. 

  
  


“Ho, Clinton. How fares everyone?” Thor asked as Clint drew closer, lowering his voice so he wouldn’t wake Bruce. 

 

“Ever-” Clint started to answer, stopping as he yawned massively before continuing, shaking his head slightly. “Everyone is hungry. Want to help me find two wheelchairs and a snuggie?”

 

“I have not the slightest memory of either of those Midgardian objects.”

 

“What do you do in Asgard when someone’s disabled? Levitate them around?”

 

“Yes, I am surprised you do not, in regard to your level of advancement.”

 

“Not much regard or money for research funneled into taking care of the disabled here unless you’re super rich. More time spent on defense. Follow me, I’ll need help wheeling them back.”

 

“Should we guard Steven’s shield? I doubt much would wake Bruce.”

 

“Sure. Any excuse to hold-” Clint walked over, lightly picking up the shield, trying to not wake Bruce up.

  
  


“NAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGG-” Bruce jumped into motion, grabbing the shield back as Clint jumped into Thor’s arms. 

 

“What the hell was that, Bruce, I think my heart’s going to give out.” Clint put his hand over it to emphasize his words as he felt his adrenaline spike.

 

“-Thought som’ne -as stealin’ it.” 

 

“Okay, just, breath, okay, please don’t Hulk out.”

 

“-O ‘eepy to. ‘N hungry.”

 

“Okay, everyone’s taking a field trip to the mess hall, I just need to find some stuff. So, carry on sleeping. I’ll wake you up when we’re ready.”

 

“-Kay.” Bruce smiled minutely at Clint, settling back and closing his eyes. 

  
  


Clint let out the breath he had been holding, Thor laughing and clapping his shoulder. 

 

“Another reminder to never underestimate our friend.” 

  
Thor walked off down the hallway, Clint following him after a moment of watching Bruce sleep calmly. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE CHOPPING ONIONS  
> written to this [playlist](http://8tracks.com/provokedmouse/rewriting-the-stars) which is such a throwback lemme tell ya
> 
> Awkward I'm sure, but i procrastinated on this by sorting all my photos 2015 and pre in google drive, I now have 198 pinterest boards, and almost 40 collections on 8tracks....
> 
> I like this whole "promise" thing I've been having the two do.

As they waited, Steve and Tony kept looking at each other, almost saying something before swallowing it and looking back at their separate hands. Tony had sat down at the foot of Steve’s bed when Clint had told him to sit down, and was sitting hunched. 

 

“Tony?”

 

“Yeah?” He didn’t look around at Steve, fiddling with his phone.

 

“I need to- I- can I hold your hand?” 

 

Tony froze, and Steve felt his heart drop.

  
  


“I thought I would never hear you say my name again. Or- or everything. Steve-” Tony turned towards Steve, still curled in on himself.

 

“I’m right here, baby.” Steve offered a weak smile and turned his hands palms up. 

 

Tony looked at them, and up to Steve with big eyes, taking a shaky breath.

 

“Tony-” Steve felt his voice crack.

 

“If this is to be our life, maybe we should-” Tony broke eye contact. 

  
  


“Damn the world, I love you.” Steve raised his voice, cutting Tony off, Tony looking back at Steve, raising his voice over Steve’s.

 

“You’re laying in a hospital bed- could’ve been killed- because of me.”

 

“And you turned back to drink and nearly killed yourself without me.”

 

“-The world nearly lost Captain America because of me- because I let him fall in love with me-”

 

“Screw Captain America.”

 

“The world needs Captain America more than I need you-”

 

“The world can always find another Captain America, but I will never find someone like you-”

 

“I’m not that import-”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Why do you insist on loving me- how do you even-”

 

“Anthony, I love you. You’re amazing, the most beautiful, intelligent, and resilient person I have ever met. I woke up years in the future with everything and everyone I knew gone, but I’ve found a home now and for the rest of my years with you.”

 

Tony started blinking rapidly, his breath hitching slightly as he bit his lips before he outright started sobbing.

 

“Baby, what’s-”

 

Steve cut off as Tony launched himself at him, falling back as Tony’s weight landed, then knocked, him over. Tony was kissing him like he was gasping for air, sloppy open-mouthed, his fingers tangled in Steve’s hair as Steve pulled Tony closer to him. 

 

His heart monitor started going crazy as Tony’s kisses strayed from his mouth, lining his jawbone, and Steve squirmed because _fuck-_

  
  


“Za lyubov' boga vy lyubite bol'nykh idiotov- I’m in the room with you two, can you please stop, that curtain isn’t soundproof.” (For the love of god you love-sick idiots-)

  
  
  


Steve felt Tony’s mouth turn into a smile, and he peppered one last kiss on Steve’s lips before moving to lay by Steve, head on his chest as the heart monitor slowed down incrementally.

 

“Don’t you ever die, Steve.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise. And Tony?”

 

“Mmm?”

 

“You can’t either.”

  
  
  


“You couldn’t have been here a minute ago?” Steve heard Natasha shouting at Clint as soon as the door opened.

 

“I’m probably glad I wasn’t, judging by how scarred you look. I assume we’re back to their hilarious rom-com?”

 

Natasha must have nodded, because Clint laughed, his faint shadow moving across the room as he rolled over a wheelchair, picking up Natasha.

 

“Not you too- just please put me down, I’m hungry.”

  
“Yes, ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onions should be banned fr
> 
> I've had to explain so many memes to my parents recently....


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty emotional/forceful. All tw from previous chapters.

They were barely out of the Avenjet before Tony started to hear the whispers over the ringing in his ears. During the plane ride, when he hadn’t been throwing up and his mind blank, Tony had run possibilities for why he was here. 

 

Most of them had left his mind and focus rather numb, and Clint had had to throw his arm around his shoulders to steady him. 

 

The looks and whispers only got worse as they got deeper into the helicarrier, and Tony trained his eyes downwards, trying to breathe evenly as his head span. 

 

_ Steve.  _

 

Fury had wanted the helicarrier to be a labyrinthine maze, in case enemy forces managed to storm it, so they would get lost and be easy to pick off. Tony, however, had integrated small designs and obscure signs into the flooring because no way in fuck was he going to memorize the blueprints of the parts he was allowed to design. 

 

Tony had figured they would be going to the conference room to discuss the future of the Avengers now that Steve was dead. 

 

Clint steered him deeper into the helicarrier, towards the higher security interior, and Tony felt his eyebrows furrow. The inner parts of the helicarrier was primarily medical and research, why would they be-

 

Tony fell out of Clint’s support, nearly knocking some passing agents down as he started hyperventilating.  

 

He was a highly imaginatively visual person. Places, people, events- if not even described, he could see a sharp image in his mind. 

 

And right now, he knew where they were going. What they were doing, why they wanted him here. Steve was dead. 

 

They were going to see his body. 

 

Tony could see Steve. 

 

Steve’s face would be robbed of its life. That flush he developed around him would be blue, the azure eyes so full of life and _Steve himself_ would never open again. 

 

The last time he and Steve had looked into each other’s eyes was- the night Steve had woken him up from that nightmare, two weeks ago. Even then, it had been dimly by the light of his arc reactor.

 

His last words were _I’m sorry._

 

The warmth that radiated out from Steve, as if his love and life were over spilling his insides, filling the room he was in and the hole in Tony's chest- that warmth. Tony would never feel it again. Steve was cold as ice by now. 

 

Steve was dead. 

 

A knot in his chest tightened, cutting off his tears before they could begin. 

 

Vaguely, distantly, someone was calling his name. 

 

They must have slapped him, because he came back to earth with maddening speed, the sounds of the helicarrier and Pepper, who was holding his shirt and dragging him upright, speaking to him, came roaring back to him. 

 

“-ny, eve- n’t de-” 

 

Tony blinked as her voice faded in and out, mixing with the other noises of the helicarrier. 

  
  


“What?” He felt he might be shouting. 

 

“Steve. IS. Not. Dead.” Pepper enunciated, having pulled him to his feet. 

 

“What?” Tony felt his legs collapse under him, and someone, possibly Clint, caught him. 

 

“Steve is alive.” 

 

“Wh-”

 

“He’s badly injured and weak, but he’s alive, Tony.”

 

“Why the FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” Tony shoved presumably Clint away roughly, his hands balling into fists as he got in Pepper’s face. 

 

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO?”

 

“I don’t know, MAYBE SAYING THE MAN I LOVE IS ACTUALLY ALIVE?” 

 

“YOU WERE EXTREMELY INEBRIATED AND SUICIDAL-”

 

“I THOUGHT- I thought he was dead, Pepper. That I was going to see his- his-”

  
“He’s-” Pepper took a steeling breath, recomposing herself, accepting the pad she had dropped to pick up Tony. “He’s through those doors, if you’re ready to-” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I might have to go back to my sleep doctor, I can't sleep well anymore. I'm so tired. And I feel sick a lot recently. Sometimes it's bad. really bad. incapacitating bad.

_ Steve was alive. _

 

The past two weeks roared in adrenaline through Tony’s blood. 

  
  


_ How. _

_ How could Steve have held Tony like he was precious, told Tony he loved him over and over, to only abandon him?  _

 

_ Shit not just abandon-  _

 

_ Leave Tony while he was blind, losing his shield just in time for Tony to regain his sight.  _

 

_ Leave Tony on an impossible mission of vengeance that could have gotten him killed.  _

 

_ Leave Tony thinking it did get him killed.  _

 

_ Leave Tony with the image of Steve dead seared into his brain, shivers flinting from his spine whenever he thought of it.  _

  
  


Tony felt himself fall into the wall as his head span, and he choked in a gasp of air as his thoughts focused and he stopped hyperventilating. 

 

Tony had let himself fall in love with a man that was capable of _breaking_ him to such fundamental levels. 

 

Tony wasn’t supposed to break. 

 

He couldn’t ever let himself do so. 

 

But he had. 

 

Because of the man lying alive in a hospital bed just a few feet from him. 

  
  


Tony slammed his fist against the wall as he tried to take steadying breaths, but he felt himself breaking even further. A nasty, nauseous feeling spread from his throat down to his churning stomach. The man he loved was alive and he was-

 

The vibration of the door being opened enthusiastically by Clint shot down the wall to where Tony was standing by the doorframe. 

 

He vaguely heard Natasha’s voice before there was a pause and he heard Steve’s voice. 

 

_ How could- _

  
Tony blindly grabbed the pad from Pepper’s hand, gripping it until his knuckles turned white, storming to the door. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired. I work 7 hours today. help

Tony felt his heart stop as he rounded the corner, it jumping into his throat.

 

_ You’re okay. _

 

_ You’re alive. _

 

He wanted to run to Steve.

 

_ Steve was... Steve was alive.  _

 

Tony felt his mouth silently form _Steve_ as he started to cry noiselessly. 

 

The vision of Steve’s dead body dissolved as he stared at the back of Steve. 

 

_ Steve was alive.  _

 

Tony’s stomach churned as more adrenaline rushed into his system and he slowly broke out of his paralysis, shuffling a foot forwards before freezing again. 

 

_ How could this man have done that to him?  _

 

He felt his mortality come crashing down on him as his head span and his anger came back.

 

“CAPTAIN-”

 

_ How could he? _

 

Steve whirled around just as someone bodily grabbed him, Pepper’s voice faint in his ears. The pad was ripped from his hands and he was set back down. 

 

“CAPTAIN-”

  
  


They made brief eye contact before Tony’s vision became too cloudy to see, and he blinked rapidly until the lump in his throat shrunk enough for him to speak again.

 

“-HOW COULD YOU DO THAT- I THOUGHT YOU WERE-”

 

_ I thought you were dead. _

 

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE-”

  
  
  


“ANTHONY EDWARD STARK, I KNOW YOU’RE ANGRY BUT CAN YOU NOT YELL?” Pepper’s voice shocked Tony, and he vaguely nodded, forcing a shaky breath in. 

  
  
  


“Ste- Captain, I thought you were dead, How could you tell me you loved me and then-”

  
  


“I’m so-” Steve’s voice sounded broken, and Tony felt his anger flutter in resolve before coming back full force.

  
  


“You- please don’t speak- I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR A MONTH, SUICIDAL IN-” Acid spread up his throat, choking him. He vaguely heard Steve’s gasp. “THIS IS WHY I NEVER LET PEOPLE IN-” Tony moved his mouth, trying to speak as waves of emotion hit him. 

 

Tony felt his legs start to buckle as he slowly broke down, and he blindly stumbled to Steve’s bed, dropping to his knees as he tried to steady himself.

 

_ I love you and I thought I had lost you, Steve. I love you so goddamn much, how could you- _

 

His head started to spin as his sobs stopped his breathing, and he fisted his hands in the bedcovers. 

 

A heavy pocket of warmth started to spread from his shoulder to his heart, and he felt himself break even further. 

  
“DON’T TOUCH ME.” 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this make sense? I'm seriously sick...for the second time in my nearly twenty years. How do you guys do this all the time? Ugh. With the Swine flu, I was only sick for about a week. Nearly two weeks? no.

Tony felt drained. Drained of everything. All of his anger, his chaotic and euphoric adrenaline rush, his consciousness, his life force-

 

Dimly, he could hear Steve crying in shuddering gasps.

 

And he slowly realized Steve’s perspective. The others had probably warned Steve of his state, and his outburst- whatever he had said, the memory was fuzzy- 

 

Had Steve imagined Tony dead, like he had Steve?

  
  


If he looked up, would Steve’s eyes show the emotional emptiness he felt?

 

Would Steve’s eyes be as dead as they had been in Tony’s mind only an hour- or more, time was also fuzzy- ago?

  
  
  


He should look up. 

 

Tony wasn’t ready, but he looked up, feeling his heart flutter as they made eye contact. 

 

_ Steve. _

 

Steve was _alive._

 

His throat was clogged with tears, and Tony worked his mouth before getting out a minute Steve. 

 

Steve’s face broke even further, and his hand darted forward before pausing centimeters above Tony’s wrist, Steve’s eyes beseeching as his hand shook. 

 

Tony bit his lips, nodding. 

 

Warmth radiated up Tony’s arm as Steve gingerly picked up his wrist, setting it square on his chest. 

 

“I’m alive, baby.” 

 

He was alive.

 

Tony could feel Steve’s heartbeat slightly.

 

All he could do was sit there on his knees and drink in the warmth spreading throughout his body and the look in Steve’s eyes.

 

Something flickered across Steve’s face before he broke eye contact, squeezing Tony’s wrist so hard he felt himself gasp until Steve let go.

 

_ No, no, don’t, no- _

 

“Why did you leave me?”

 

Steve grabbed his hand again, linking their fingers together quickly. 

 

“I-” Steve paused, his voice wavering before he looked Tony square in the eyes. “-I can’t- I don’t know how to handle grief- and your eyes were dead, Tony, I wanted to ruin those who had- you’re so beautiful Tony, and seeing you like that broke me. I know it’s inexcusable, but I just, god-”

 

Steve broke off, his eyes silently begging to be forgiven. 

  
  
  


_ Oh. _

 

“I needed you.” Tony hoped his voice didn’t sound whiny, nor that it just broke.

  
  


Something flickered across Steve’s face, and he grabbed Tony’s hand tighter before taking a breath, speaking all in one wind. 

 

“I know. I swear to never leave your side again, for better or for worse, sickness, health, if you’ll have me.”  
  
Tony felt his eyes widen as his heart jumped. _Please._   
  
  
Clint faintly yelled something, but he didn’t hear as his ears filled with buzzing.  
  
  
  
  
“You promise?”  
  
  
  
I seemed like years before Steve replied, voice wobbly with tears. “I promise. I love you more than anything, Tony.”  
  
  
  
“I- I love you too, Steve. You promise?”

 

Steve lunged forward, hugging Tony tightly, and he stiffened. _Alive. He's back. He loves me, he loves-_

Tony felt himself melting slowly, sinking into the warmth and Steve’s smell.  He felt Steve's voice rumble through his chest. 

 

“I promise.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....so.....tired.....not sick with what I had, but now I might have a cold!!

Steve had pulled back from the hug, and Tony let him go unwillingly, bobbing back into the cold and the not-quiet of the room. 

 

He had forgotten how large Steve hands were- Steve could cup his cheek, the fingers extending to his temple. At times, it was comforting, thinking Steve could shield him from anything. However, feeling small right now just made him feel weak as Steve examined his face.

 

“When did you eat last?” Steve’s voice got quieter as he spoke, as if he did not want the answer.

 

Tony dropped his chin towards his chest, shutting his eyes. 

 

“Stomach’s been too upset to really eat since- since we found your shield.”

 

The hand on Tony’s face shook. 

 

“Baby, that was-”

 

“I thought you were dead.” 

 

Tony regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, Steve’s hand leaving his face. 

 

He could feel himself staring at Steve as the seconds crawled by.

  
  
  


“I’m alive and you need to eat, so move over, you are getting food.” Steve shakily hauled himself up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed as Tony scooched over to give him room. 

  
  
  


“Steve, two things. One, you’d need a wheelchair or a walker, and two, you’re in a hospital gown.”

Tony started at Natasha’s voice, entirely forgetting he and Steve were not alone, only to feel his heart pang with the implication of Steve’s condition.   
  
  
  
“Clint, can you please find a wheelchair or a walker?” Steve called back, and the curtain swished open as Clint stuck his head in.  


  
“I can take him to the cafeteria, old man, you need to rest. Can you stand, Tony?”  
  
He numbly nodded, standing up shakily, bracing himself against Steve’s bed as he took unsteady steps. Steve grabbed his wrist, looking at Clint.  
  
  
  
“I need to physically see him eat. I can’t just lay here.”  
  
  
  
He glanced between the two of them, heart in throat as Steve squeezed his wrist, and Clint sighed.

  
  
“Okay, fine, I’ll find a wheelchair.” Clint relented, leaving the curtain open, walking out of sight, a light shadow retreating to Natasha’s bed. “Nat, do you want one too? I mean, are you hungry?”  
  
  
  
“I’m go- actually, yes, but I want a snuggie if I’m to be in public in a hospital gown. Maybe even a hat and sunglasses.”  
  
  
  
“Two wheelchairs, a disguise and a snuggie coming right up. And Tony-” Clint stuck his head back in- “please sit down, you look like you’re about to fall over.”

 

Tony felt himself meekly nodding, sitting at the foot of Steve's bed heavily. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now taking applications for someone to love me this much. Where's my Steve?

Now that his head was back on straight, Tony felt himself darting glances at Steve. Numerous cuts lined his body, some swollen and nasty, obviously untreated and left to fester. 

 

The hospital gown he was in hung over him, swallowing Steve. _When had he eaten last?_

 

The question was on the tip of Tony’s tongue when he swallowed it. _He had done this._

 

His hands started shaking. 

 

Tony tried to hide them as Steve watched him, pulling out his phone to occupy them. 

 

“Tony?”

 

He closed his eyes. _Steve’s voice-_ a bubble spread to his throat and he worked his mouth before responding. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I need to- I -can I hold your hand?”

 

The wall keeping him from breaking down shook and Tony felt himself freeze. _He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive, Steve’s alive-_

 

“I thought I would never hear you say my name again. Or- or everything. Steve-” He turned towards Steve, swaying back and forth slightly as his emotions bubbled.  
  
  
  
“I’m right here, baby.” Steve offered a weak smile and turned his hands palms up.  
  
  
  
Tony looked at them, and up to Steve with big eyes, taking a shaky breath. _He did this, Steve’s alive, he- Steve-_  
  
  
  
“Tony-”   
  
  
  
“If this is to be our life, maybe we should-” He broke eye contact.  
  
  
  
“Damn the world, I love you.” Steve raised his voice, cutting Tony off, Tony looking back at Steve, raising his voice over Steve’s.  
  
  
  
“You’re laying in a hospital bed- could’ve been killed- because of me.”  
  
  
  
“And you turned back to drink and nearly killed yourself without me.”  
  
  
  
“-The world nearly lost Captain America because of me- because I let him fall in love with me-”  
  
  
  
“Screw Captain America.”  
  
  
  
“The world needs Captain America more than I need you-”  
  
  
  
“The world can always find another Captain America, but I will never find someone like you-”  
  


  
 _He did this-_  
  
“I’m not that import-”  
  
  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
  
  
“Why do you insist on loving me- how do you even-” _I did this to you-_  
  
  
  
“Anthony, I love you. You’re amazing, the most beautiful, intelligent, and resilient person I have ever met. I woke up years in the future with everything and everyone I knew gone, but I’ve found a home now and for the rest of my years with you.”  
  
__  
Jesus fuck.  
He started blinking rapidly, his breath hitching slightly as he bit his lips before the wall holding back all his emotions broke. His ears were buzzing, and he became vaguely aware he might be crying. 

 

 _I’ve found a home now and for the rest of my years with you-_  
  
  
  
  
  
He launched himself at Steve, vaguely noting he fell back as Tony’s weight landed, then knocked, him over. 

 

_ I love you. _

 

Steve was warm, and he sank into the warmth. Kissing Steve was- was-

 

Tony twisted his hands into Steve’s hair as Steve grabbed his waist, pulling him impossibly closer.

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I love you- _

 

Tony started peppering kisses down the scratches on Steve’s face, needy. 

 

_ I love you- _

 

_ For the rest of my years-  _

 

A quiet moan sounded in the back of Steve’s throat as Tony continued kissing him, Steve starting to move against Tony. 

 

_ Jesus. _

 

 __I love you-  
  
  
“Za lyubov' boga vy lyubite bol'nykh idiotov- I’m in the room with you two, can you please stop, that curtain isn’t soundproof.” (For the love of god you love-sick idiots-)  
  
Natasha’s scream broke into Tony’s bubble as Steve made another low sound, and he thoroughly kissed Steve on the lips before moving to Steve’s side, laying his head on Steve’s chest. 

 

 _I love you._   
  
“Don’t you ever die, Steve.”  
  
  
  
I took Steve a moment to speak.“I won’t.”  
  
  
  
“Promise?”  
  
  
  
“I promise. And Tony?”  
  
  
  
“Mmm?”  
  
  
  
“You can’t either.”

Tony laughed, stiffling it in Steve’s chest. 

  
_ You’re alive.  _


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really awkward but here. S word briefly implied/discussed. Not emotionally stable enough to give you the scene. I'm tired, my stomach hurts, and I'm in pain....all the time now. Can't sleep well anymore. Save me. Because same, Tons, if I wasn't immune to medicine.

The lift was silent as the team slowly disseminated onto their separate floors, leaving Tony standing behind Steve’s wheelchair, arms crossed as Steve looked at his feet.  

 

“Whose floor should I go to?” 

 

Jarvis’s voice was quiet, but Tony still closed his eyes tightly. 

  
  


“If you’d be more comfortable in-” 

 

Tony shook his head at Steve, eyes still closed. “You shouldn’t see- the mess.”

 

“I’ve seen your workshop on it’s worst days, I can handle two weeks worth of mess.”

 

“It’s not like that, Steve. It’s a- a different mess. You don’t want to see- it.”

  
  
  


Steve furrowed his eyebrows as Tony kept his eyes closed, maneuvering his wheelchair to face him. “Tony, what kind of mess did you manage to generate in two weeks that you don’t want me to-”

 

Tony opened his eyes, avoiding eye contact. Steve stopped suddenly, his heart constricting. 

 

_ No. _

 

“Jarvis, his floor, I need to see- need to know I’m not right.”

  
  


The lift started with a gentle lurch.

 

“Don’t assume the worse, my rooms are just- just a mess.”

  
  


“Tony, look at me and tell me you didn’t do some-” Steve’s voice broke. “Just tell me you didn’t attempt-” 

 

“Honey, it’s fine, I didn’t, you’d be more comfortable in your rooms.”

 

“Don’t _Honey_ me. I’m investigating and you’re not going to stop-”

 

Tony reached forward, grabbing the handles of the wheelchair as Steve partially rolled into Tony’s living room. Jarvis had kept the lights down, the mess of blankets and pillow faintly illuminated by the city glow, the sofa’s back hiding the mess. Steve tried to continue rolling the wheelchair forward, grumbling when Tony pushed down the brake. 

  
  


“Let go of me and release the damn brake.”

 

“Look. There’s nothing. You’re exhausted and twitchy.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“I want to believe you so badly, but I can’t, Tony.”

 

“Than believe me.”

 

“Pepper told me to prepare myself. I know something-”

 

“Steve-”

  
  


Steve paused, staring at Tony’s ceiling before taking a deep breath and sighing, his shoulders dropping. 

  
  
  


“It was drugs, wasn’t it?” 

 

“Steve, I didn’t do- attempt-” Tony’s protest died, and he let go of the wheelchair, sliding dejectedly down the side of the lift, pulling his knees to him and hiding his face in his hands.

  
  


“Jesus shit.” Steve hastily reached for the brake, spinning around, blinking past the stars in his eyes from the motion, rolling as close to Tony as he could manage. 

 

Tony stared tiredly into his eyes as Steve took Tony’s face, forcing eye contact.

  
  
  


“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s- it wasn’t- I just wanted to be high. Didn’t want to think. I didn’t- wasn’t- at least actively trying to-” Tony waved his hand, the words sticky poison in his throat. 

 

It took Steve several moments to speak. “I understand, you don’t need to say it.” He smoothed Tony’s hair out of his face, noticing how limp and tangled it was. “Does Bruce need to look at you?”

 

“Just what I need, another person disappointed in me.” 

 

“No one is disappointed in you, Tony, we’re- I’m just so glad you’re here and you’re alive.”

 

Tony sighed tiredly, tilting his head further into Steve’s hands and smiling weakly. 

 

“I’m just exhausted. I need sleep.” 

 

“You’re sure you don’t-”

 

“Mornin’, promise.”

 

“Okay.” Steve tried to swallow the worry pulsing in his throat, leaning forward to kiss Tony. 

  
  


“Sirs, you both have a high sleep deficit, I would advise you to get some sleep-”

  
  


The wheelchair banged against the wall of the lift, Jarvis falling on deaf ears. 

  
  


“Natasha wants to go to the kitchen and refuses to let Clint carry her five floors to it, please get out of the lift-”

  
“Sirs-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c'mon idiots, don't frickle in the lift while you're both in poor condition, idiots.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm not doing well. [ This explains some of it. ](http://terrasu.co.vu/post/160592657526/mentally-ill-severe-depression-anxiety) The.... S word is getting less passive, and I'm getting really lonely/touch starved. I can barely sleep, and not in more than five hours stints (usually less.) Honest to god, someone help me.

The wheelchair banged against the wall of the lift as Tony and Steve kissed each other hungrily, panting heavily between sloppy kisses. Tony’s hands had ended up on Steve’s outer thighs, his calluses catching at the fabric of the SHIELD-issued sweatpants while Steve’s fingers caught in his hair. 

 

“Tony, oh my-”

 

Steve gripped the back of Tony’s neck as he ducked his head to Steve’s neck. 

 

“-’ony-, please, please, ‘ease-”

 

Tony laughed through his nose in response as he felt Steve disintegrating.

 

“Yes, love?” Tony moved back up to kiss Steve’s lips, Steve chasing his when Tony pulled away to take in Steve  undone.

 

“-on’t stop, I need-need-” Steve pulled Tony forcefully back towards him for a sloppy kiss, Tony obliging happily, leaving a hickey as he continued, making happy noises against Steve’s neck as Steve moaned. 

 

He had just moved his hands under the hem of Steve’s t-shirt when he was gently pushed back by Steve’s clumsy hands. Tony scrunched his eyebrows together, heart dropping as Steve withdrew, shrinking in on himself. 

 

Tony started to retract his hands from Steve’s thighs, but Steve grabbed them, avoiding eye contact by inspecting them, Steve tracing the lines on Tony’s hands.

 

Tony listened to Steve’s breathing slow down as his own heart thundered in his ears. 

  
  
  


It was subtle at first, but Steve started crying, his hands shaking as they held Tony’s.

 

Tony bit his lips, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Steve, promptly getting the breath squeezed out of him as Steve collapsed into him. 

 

If Steve’s whole body wasn’t shaking as he broke down, and there wasn’t a mess of tears - and hopefully not snot, as Steve noisily sniffed- working into Tony’s hair, he would be sinking into the warmth. 

 

There were a million comforting phrases on the tip of his tongue, the words trembling with his beating heart, but Tony just felt his breath catch. 

 

Steve started to fall out of the wheelchair, leaning more and more on Tony, who sighed, pushing Steve back into it, mind half blank, trying to push the words on the tip of his tongue out as he kissed Steve’s forehead. 

  
  


-

 

The darkness, the cool air in his room, Steve’s warmth as he snuggled into Tony, his crying turning eventually into steady breaths-

  
Tony felt himself falling asleep as well, his heart torn between swelling at the joy that Steve was back and breaking at the horror residing in Steve’s mind. 


End file.
